After I sputtered out the "t" word I then realized what I had said... and that is not how I feel at all. I'm excited, ready to meet these little guys. I have never been scared, not about becoming a mom, the responsibilities that go with it, or even the whole getting them into the world part... you know, the birthing process. Why be scared? It is all going to happen if I'm ready or not! God has been awesome enough to give us this opportunity and I seriously doubt he is just going to leave us hangin' once they get here.
I do feel anxious at times. Anxious about not knowing if we are going to have a c-section or not. Anxious about them being as healthy as they can be. Anxious about getting the house ready for them. I guess I have always been a bit of an anxious person though, and I'm sure all people feel this way so close to the end. Right?!
My next round of feelings was sadness. The end is in sight and I think that even though I can't breathe laying down and my ankles look like elephant feet. Even though I rotate through 5 outfits every week and feel like a 90 year old when climbing in and out of the car. I AM going to miss it. I love feeling the boys with me all the time. I am never alone. I love talking to them while I'm driving in the car and reaching down and patting them while I walk around the room. I love grabbing Kale's hand and slapping it on my belly when they are flipping around and wrestling. This whole thing has been such a blessing and it is definitely bittersweet to have it coming to an end.
I was told today that Friday will be my last work day. Now I'm sure some of you don't know why in the world this would be a bad thing, but I'm having a tough time with it. I feel like I am giving up too early. I wish I could work up until the end, but I know I need the rest before the gentlemen get here. I not only love the people I work with, but I truly love the kiddos in my class. I believe that every teacher that is teaching for the right reason feels this way. I make a personal investment in each child in my class. I care about them as the little people they are. They are all unique and special in their own ways and I'm going to miss them. I have a great substitute lined up, and I know she will do a great job... it is just hard to let go and trust someone else with MY kids :) I'm a little envious and don't want to share them! She will get them through the best time of the year... Christmas! The great thing is I'll be coming back and I am trying to look at this as just a little break. I can always go visit them too.
I have a feeling once my boys are here it will be easier to be home though! It is just going to be tough sitting at home waiting for Fletch and Danger and thinking about what my other 19 kids are doing all day.
Well, there is a peak inside my rainbow of feelings. One of my favorite shows is The Golden Girls. One of my favorite lines from that show was spoken by Blanche when she was feeling much like I am today. She is trying to describe her feelings to Dorothy and describes them as feeling magenta. Here is the quote. It is worth reading.
"Magenta…that’s what I call it when I get that way. All kinds of feelings tumbling all over themselves. Well you know, you’re not quite blue, because you’re not really sad. And although your’e a little bit jealous you wouldn’t say you’re green with envy. And every now and then you realize you’re kind of scared but you’d hardly call yourself yellow…I hate that feeling. Just hate it. And I hate the color magenta. That’s why I named it that. Magenta. No way to really explain it but, fortunately between friends you don’t have to."
Thanks for listening guys.